Monday, August 25, 2014

everyday am shuffling

There are days when I can't help think about how messed up is the structure of the modern society.  I think about days past of people spending lazy afternoons visiting friends or relatives, drinking tea, chatting, reading, or just doing something they enjoy - like riding horses, gardening, painting, or any sort of hobbies.  Why is it that I'm only seeing that in movies nowadays?  Today, it's an everyday battle to make time to take care of your health and spend quality time with family and friends.  I feel like I'm slowly being programmed by the system and the whole work force to be a workaholic.

Fresh out of college, I didn't really care much about top dollars and my career.  Work was just a means to get some spending money so I can go out with my friends, travel, and enjoy life.  Of course I care about my work performance and establishing a good career and all of that.  But, I was having a lot of fun!  I used to tell myself that I will not be one of those people who works too much and takes things too seriously that they can't even spare a minute to chat.

I'm now starting to feel what I was afraid of - being assimilated into this whole career, work, and pay as being central.  Is this just a phase?  Is it part of maturity or is it a natural thing?  My biggest fear is being a workaholic who spends too much time at work (and even brings it home) and having my kids suffer through the consequence of not having a mother who nurture them well. 

Right now, I'm on my mid-30s and I can still catch myself whenever I feel like I'm not living and that I've stopped dreaming and planning for what matters most in life - having the world as my playground.  I always play with choreography in my head for some dance music on the radio while I listen on my commute.  And I wonder how I can be strong enough for pole dancing tango.  My bucket list goes on and on from just learning spanish, to auditioning for some tv show (like american ninja :) ), to mission work, etc.  I have so much that I want to do with my life that every time I see some famous, rich celebrity dies young - I can't help but realize how short life can be.  With all the stress and poor nutrition in today's world, what could be my actual life expectancy?  I don't want to be in my dying bed thinking of how much time I've devoted working and saving up for a retirement that I would barely see.
And the society is full of stupid rules that people make up to make you spend more and eventually - work more!  I don't like to live my life around stupid rules and follow some trends.  I like to listen on my own gut feeling on what's right and natural.  I know that I have enough wisdom to have good judgement, except when I'm so exhausted for all the daily shuffling.  I know that I need to laugh to breath.  That I can't keep time still so, I have to take each moment like it's the last.

People will never be happy for me.  Especially when they're dictated by all the books they've read and fads they've seen.  That who I am just doesn't make sense to anyone who've never live the life that I lived and seen the world through my eyes.  I would be fine with that, if only they would stop forcing me to fit in a shape that's not mine.

I'm more afraid of the challenges that my children would face in the future - a system that does not prioritize health and education.  What's the point of working too much, paying high taxes, and high cost of living when you can't even get a good, safe school for your kids?  Every time we eat out, I'm always having a hard time deciding where I can find cooked healthy meals that's not loaded with salt and/or preservative. I mean, you can only have so much salad and fruits and warm food is good for your soul.  But, not all places cook real green vegetables!  And what will communities be like someday when young people these days are getting too comfortable locked in their bedrooms in front of screens of entertainment devices?  Are we going to be extinct from lack of social contact or evolve into robots?

Yes - my dilemma is all about improving the quality of life and it's probably the least important to someone in the third world country who doesn't even have clean water, food, medicine, or a home.  Some are even living in the perils of war and drugs or human trafficking.  That's where another flaw or society comes in - we can't even reach out to them easily to come to their aid - after all the grand technology and globalization there is in today's world.  Seriously, why?!

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